Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
