After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
