you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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