a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
