Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
