Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
