i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
