I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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