I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
