I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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