you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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