Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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