the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
