My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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