So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
