closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
