sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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