I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
