What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
