Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
