wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
