i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
