How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
no you cant smoke seaweed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sex in a hospital.. check
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
