dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
