Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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