Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
