Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
