I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
