i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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