And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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