Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
