I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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