Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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