great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
