I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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