Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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