The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
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Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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