I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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