Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize