mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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