I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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