there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
