hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
