I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.