worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
