Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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