I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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