I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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