Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
