I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
