I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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