We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
