Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
