I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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