My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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